On Forced Forgiveness

Easter as a day of renewal asks us to forgive those who have trespassed against us. But forgiveness is a process that takes time.

Happy Easter.

A holiday of renewal.

The process of forgiveness offers its own opportunity for renewal.

I believe in forgiveness, as it presents a path for healing for all parties, including perpetrators of hurtful actions and those who have been impacted by those hurtful actions.

But, I no longer believe in the practice and messaging of what can be rightly called *forced forgiveness*.

Forced forgiveness is designed to guilt us into accepting those trespasses that have been enacted against us by genuinely ill-meaning people. And it’s also a way for enablers to keep up appearances by silencing people who have been objectively hurt without taking any steps to stop the hurtful actions or to help repair the damages caused by those hurtful actions.

Forced forgiveness is also designed to maintain our self-image and reputations as “nice” people. This is a potentially dangerous act because, in fact, forced forgiveness very often becomes the rolling out of a welcome mat for a variety of predators to treat us like the doormats they draw pleasure from stomping on.

While I understand that the rejection of forced forgiveness can come across as uncompassionate or unspiritual, I believe that people who are not sorry for what they have done should not be forgiven. They should be let go completely. As we are merely household appliances to the types of people who cause intentional, malicious harm, they should become in our own minds the mere household appliances they have always taken us to be.

And broken household appliances should be set aside. Not harmed or retaliated against—we can’t allow ourselves to become the monsters who hurt us—but set aside.

True renewal requires that we be ruthlessly honest with ourselves about the trespasses that were designed to hurt us. Those who have never held themselves accountable for their intentional spirit-breaking malice and the enablers who have tried to guilt us into silence about the actions taken by those with the intent to break our spirits have not earned our forgiveness.

The saying goes that forgiving others is part of our healing process.

But, if forgiveness is ever to be genuine, there would need to be accountability for the wrongdoing by the wrongdoer. And there would need to be some open recognition by the enablers who not only made the wrongdoing possible but made it last longer by allowing it to continue unquestioned.

In my own life, I’ve experienced the healing that comes from the process of acknowledging our hurtful actions and taking sincere responsibility for those hurtful actions.

And I’ve experienced it from both sides.

Last summer, after sincerely apologizing to someone for my unfairly harsh words from 25 years ago, I was personally forgiven by the person I hurt with those unfairly harsh words. It was a healing moment for both of us.

Five years ago, a guy who beat my face in when I was 17 sincerely apologized to me a few years before he died, which opened up a feeling of spaciousness and healing in a way that I had not known before that moment of grace.

The act of physical violence this person enacted against me was so extreme that it had left indelible marks—a broken nose, a swollen face, black eyes, and a compromised nervous system. But somehow, his genuine apology all those years later made the monster image I had of him in my mind and heart completely disappear. The emotional energy behind that memory had completely vanished from my being as a trauma-based body memory, and I was able to move on from that event in a way that made it feel like it never really happened.

The impact of his apology on me was nothing less than miraculous.

So, I believe in forgiveness.

But, I also know that forgiveness is a process that cannot be forced.

Grace takes time.

Happy Easter.